Wednesday 10 August 2016

Presidential Election Explained Using Food

Imagine the USA has to vote on what everyone eats tonight.

Hillary Clinton is like a cheese and tomato pizza. Some people would prefer additional toppings, or a different food altogether. Others are excited about the first pizza candidate with a real chance of winning. All things considered, it's a safe and widely acceptable choice.

Image by Lombroso, Wikimedia Commons
Donald Trump is like a cheeseburger laced with anthrax. If the cheeseburger wins, a lot of people will be made horribly ill, and some will die. We have no way of knowing how many, but those not in robust health to start with will come out worst. (Trump isn't even trying to hide the anthrax. He assures us the infection will Make America Great Again.)

Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate, is like the five-alarm chili flavoured with Guatemalan insanity peppers. It's undoubtedly exciting, but let's face it, not to everyone's taste.

Jill Stein, the Green candidate, is like an organic kale and quinoa salad. It may be very nutritious; but as Homer Simpson has observed, you don't win friends with salad. (At least, you won't win over the Homer Simpsons of America, and a winning candidate needs their votes.)

Bernie Sanders started off supporting salad too. But he's won the concessions of basil pesto and better quality cheese, and now he is endorsing pizza. Nevertheless, some of his erstwhile supporters insist that it's salad or nothing.

In this election, "Nothing" is not an option. One of these candidates will win, and it will affect the entire world, not just America. Realistically speaking, it's either pizza or the anthrax burger. If you are so inclined, you can fight for salad another time. Right now, it's strongly advisable to get with the program and vote for pizza.

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