Thursday 7 May 2015

Election night drinking game

The campaigning is over. (Thank Cthulhu for that.) If you have a vote, please use it, but I'd be grateful if it is not for UKIP.

The next parliament promises to be more fractured, and fractious, than any in living memory. Before then, we have an eventful night ahead. I'll be on Twitter from about 10 pm as the results come in. I have ample supplies of beer and popcorn, and I'll try not to startle the cats by shouting at the television.

Dexter and Belle are eager to see who will be Prime Minister what's for dinner.

I've composed a drinking game to get us through the night. It's simple and not especially partisan. Play with the beverage of your choice: Wine, beer, tea, Ardbeg, lemonade, or whatever. I won't judge.

  • Sip:
    • "Hard-working families" are mentioned.
    • Liberal Democrats retain a seat.
    • Fringe candidate is wearing a ridiculous costume.
    • UKIP member is rude about Europe and/or immigrants.
    • SNP member is rude about "Westminster".
    • Anyone else is rude about SNP.
  • Gulp:
    • Party leader fails to win seat. Natalie Bennett, Nigel Farage and George Galloway all count.
    • Cabinet minister loses seat. Cumulative with above for Nick Clegg (plausible) or David Cameron (a man can dream).
    • UKIP or Greens win a seat. Optional if either party wins more than 10.
  • Finish drink:
    • Candidate has epic meltdown on camera. You'll know it when you see it. The template is Peter Mandelson's "I'm a fighter, not a quitter" rant in 2001 (video below).
    • Labour loses all of its seats in Scotland.
    • David Cameron announces his resignation as Prime Minister.
    • Ed Miliband concedes the election to David Cameron.
Have fun, and see you on the other side.

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